I want to kill myself.

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I hate it when you blow your nose too hard and the tissue breaks and snot gets all over your hands.

It's frustrating because even the fact that I'm not looking to date doesn't make me like you any less.

Captcha photo of the day.

I think I'm starting to become a shopoholic :(

spring.

I've been struggling a lot with Spring because it's a time of terrible allergies. My face swells up, my eyes are puffy and my nose is constantly stuffed. It literally makes everything I do unpleasant: Whenever I eat, I feel like I can't breathe while my mouth is full because my nose is deemed useless, and whenever I sleep I have to breathe from my mouth so when I wake up my mouth is so dry that I gag from lack of moisture.

So frustrating.

it's hard to keep the love inside. but then again, this isn't even really love, is it?

Say hello to the strangest captcha I've ever gotten.

Spring.

20 credits + work study + hopefully a new job.

I like a guy and I need to stop. The end.

My friend Squeenie is in a singing contest and needs your help!

Please go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEHfcO1_MAc and then be dazzled by her amazing voice! Then, rate the video 5 stars and give good comments!

Thanks!

I'm not emo! I just want to sleep!

xwhyz.tumblr

I almost cried tonight but then I remembered I'm not an emo kid. All smiles!

YUCK! I wish I were profound but I'm not. I'm pretty simple, I think.

Now, I realize there's never "not enough time". There's always enough time for everything! I just need to figure out how to manage it...

As if the fullness of the soul did not sometimes overflow in the emptiest metaphors, since no one can ever give the exact measure of his needs, nor of his conceptions, nor of his sorrows; and since human speech is like a cracked tin kettle, on which we hammer out tunes to make bears dance when we long to move the stars.

-gustave flaubert

madame bovary

I had ramen for breakfast this morning and it was NOT a good idea.

I also accidentally drank soy sauce today and it was terrible.

WEE HONESTYg

I'm going to attempt to blog for an hour straight. I think there's enough things in my mind I can say for the next hour or two as I wait for my time registration ticket to open up!

1. First off, I've been watching Make It or Break It on Hulu and Lauren (the blonde) is a PSYCHOPATH. That's all I have to say on THAT matter. Crazy crazy. Oh. And I have a mom-crush on Emily's mom. What an awesome lady!

2. This semester is really stressful. Especially after falling down the stairs last weekend. I don't want to complain, but it just sucks to have my ankle hurt. And I wanted to go to the doctors but I couldn't find my insurance card, which is lying around in my room somewhere, so I wasn't able to go. I'm getting ready for week 9...GAH. 2 more weeks! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. Where is my head?! Come on come on...just four more classes for EACH CLASSS AND THEN I AM FREEEEEE...until next term. UGH. I'm signing up for 9am classes so I hope that works out, because once I sign up for them, I am STUCK with them. Hopefully the earlier classes with help me manage my time better so I can sleep earlier!

3. CAPPIE IS SO CUTE I WISH HE WAS A REAL PERSON SO I COULD DATE HIM AND THEN MARRY HIM !!!!!!!!! IS THERE A BOY OUT THERE LIKE HIM FOR ME?!?!? IS THERE?!!?!? IS THERE!??!?!?!?!?!? IIIIIIISSSSSSS TTTHHHHEEERRREEEEE????!?!!!??!?!??! WHHHEEERRREEE AREEEE YOOOUU MMYYY CAAAPPPPIIIIIEEEEEE??????!?!!!

5. I am feeling hungry for some RAMEN but there is a person sleeping in our kitchen/living room and I don't want to accidentally wake her/bother her. What an unpleasant wake up that would be....waking up to me slurping the ramenz.

6. Church kind of sucks. Ouch, that's harsh! But it's true. But notice I said kind of, too. Anywho. The other day I was kind of rebuked for missing FNL and church and I guess I've done a lot of that this year, although I've been really trying not to this term. And the rebuke kind of stung and made me feel really guilty. I remember last year, I used to be so into all this "church stuff". I remember wanting to fit in so bad, making it to events and wanting to be funny and outgoing like everyone else seemed to be. But I guess this year I just got fed up with a lot of stuff and decided to remove myself from it all. Maybe part of me thought that people would chase after me, but I guess that's just wishful thinking because you kind of have to be worth something for people to chase after you. But it's okay. I think I'm starting to open up more now, and I definitely want to live for God, not for the church and the people in it.

7. Just watched a kissing scene from Make It or Break It and it was AWKWARD. HEHEHE silly weirdo kissers. Also...this is kind of a cheesy show now that I think about it.

8. I like a guy and I just realized that a LOT of people know...and that kind of scares me because as trustworthy as people are, now it's like not a secret anymore. And the other day, someone questioned me as to why I liked him and I couldn't really answer. It's kind of ridiculous, you know. How come you like someone and not know why? No offense to him, but it's not really an attraction issue. Even his personality isn't choice to some people either, but maybe that's what I find likable about him, because ....actually....I still don't know :( EW maybe I don't really like him then. UGH. Lame lame lame!

9. I've been trying to dive into some...dundundun...SELF DISCOVERY !!!! Who am I? WELL I DON'T KNOW. I feel like for a long time, I've just tried to be what others wanted me to be. Before college, it was to be a good student for my parents, or "different" in high school for my peers, or lively for the people at church, and this and that...poop! During the retreat, when the pastors were praying for people, and Pastor Matt just came up and started spouting all this STUFF without opening his eyes and I had no idea where any of it was coming from! But a lot of it was true life in MY life and I was so amazed and then I got really freaked out and scared because I was like "OH NO NOW HE KNOWS ALL MY SIN" but I think it was a great thing because it made me realize all the crappy stuff in my life. I feel like I just need to have an emotional purge and just let out all the grossness out of my life so I can concentrate on who I AM and who I want to BE. Because at this point, I know what I want, but I can't achieve it because of all the baggage I'm carrying around, I guess. THIS IS VAGUE AND DEPRESSING moving on!

10. YAY an hour has passed! I'm also wondering how they act out the mess ups and "falls" in Make It or Break It...doesn't seem safe to me. Also, are the actors really doing the moves or are they all stunt doubles? I tried googling it, but to no prevail.

11. This is my favorite number...

12. I'M SO EXCITED FOR DREXEL MINISTRY. I really am!

13. Dude, it's like super windy outside. I can even hear it...it sounds so violent! Someone told me that the wind is supposed to go up to 50mph....CRAZY CRAZY.

14. Did you realize that there was no number 4?!?!?!??! Although I bet no one is reading this....or anyone who started hasn't gotten this far! HOPEFULLY NO ONE READ ABOUT THE BOY BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

15. pooooop. Oh...praise night. A lot of people are coming! I hope the people I invited come, too. AND STEVE BRINGS HIS GIRLFRIEND hehe i'm such a creep! I wasn't very involved in the skit and I don't even have much to do, I feel like. I think I'm scared of getting involved, actually. I think that's another whole part of my getting back into the swing of church thing...I've detached myself and I just don't want to be trapped in the bubble which will just hurt me in the end. Eric once said something interesting to me, how I kind of give my heart away easily and at the same time, I don't. He's right, you know. Kind of, at least. I feel like I want to give my heart away, and yet when the time comes, I don't. Like I'm such a tease or something. That's how it's kind of like with dates, you know. Like a guy will be like "wanna hang out?" and if they aren't SUPER creepy I'll be like "OKAY" but then we go out and I'm just like "eh...i wanna go home now." I'm such a jerk! But then again maybe it's all because I already like someone so I'm just playing with peoples feelings and actually I'm a mean person I don't deserve anybody.

16. [insert deepest darkest secret here]

17. JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!! BTW, this is my second favorite number...or maybe it has same value as 11.

18. I hated this age. I hate a lot of things. I'm getting fatter, by the way. It totally sucks and I need to stop eating food but I love food too much and family group/church doesn't help coz everyone always goes out to freaking eat! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!

19. And this is my third equally favorite number, with 11 and 17...

20. I was going to end on 19 but then I added 20 because there was something else I wanted to say BUT NOW I FORGOT poop GOODBYE.

i love abc family shows and the boys on it! well, only some of the boys.

school is just not for me.

this is one of the saddest dances i've ever seen :(

theme- abuse. watch how the movements of the dance go hand in hand with the words. heartbreaking, yet true life.

Random thought.

I was sitting here thinking about LYF and appreciating all the friends and counselors I've met during my LYFer years. And I'm thinking that it'd be really awesome to get involved with youth ministry.

I AM IN LOVE WITH A BOY NAMED CAPPIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for lent, i will...

read my bible,

hold my tongue,

pray more,

give up online shopping,

not kill myself.

think good thoughts.

"i don't care."

I fell down half a flight of stairs today and now my ankle is the size of a baseball and I can't walk. Poop.

There's a lot of unnecessary anger pent up inside me and I just want this week to be over.

My friend has cancer and I have a midterm tomorrow that I haven't extensively prepared for simply because I don't care for it.

Confident about who I am, with no fear of the future, I'm a girl who lives in the now and enjoys everything.

I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE CAPPPIIIEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am in love.

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE MEN MEN MEN MEN MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss Boston.

I miss Jamaica.

I miss Costa Rica.

I miss Arizona.

Just anywhere but here.

I realized that I am easily bittered. Knowing this makes me feel a lot less resentment towards others, but now I'm more resentful towards myself.

Life is a learning process. If you're not learning, you're not living.

Retreat Reflection

Application.

1. Read my Bible and pray pray pray.

2. Reach out to more people on campus to join Drexel GCC, especially the sister's ministry.

3. Be a better witness to my anti-Christian friends. No compromises.

4. Love my class more.

I like B.

It's fun hearing all your classmates rag on the Ipad! x] x] x]

Now we can differentiate between true Apple users and Apple groupies.

For $77, I got....

-two tshirts

-a blanket

-a mirror with a necklace/earring cage

-two pairs of shoes

-a headband

-a scarf

-a pair of mittens

-a pair of gloves

Nice!

Dear WeHeartIt,

I gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking that both my home internet and school wifi was simply just too slow to load all of your pictures, but this is just too much. I can't even access you properly nor quickly in the labs, where the internet never fails me! Please get better bandwidth soon.

Thank you,

J.

I have a lot of frustrations but I can't do anything about them, and that's even more frustrating.

Happy Birthday today, to my simple love, Jay Chou. <3 <3

I'm sorry for being so discouraging.

There are these little pills they want me to take whenever I feel like jumping off a bridge but I said no because all that would do is trap the me who wants to jump off a bridge inside a me who doesn't know how to be human.

This is my friend, Dave.

There's really not much to say.

One of the best feelings in the world is listening to a song or artist you once loved and re-loving them all over again.

Today is the first day of school! A double-edged sword, really, as I'm leaving behind a break of fun and relaxation, but now there is routine in my life! All I need to do is just take one day at a time.

P.Shan told me the other day, referring from one of P.Young's sermons, that we shouldn't worry about the days ahead, and then even though it's good for us to pray for our lives in general, we should also learn to just pray for each day. Instead of praying for food, we should pray for our "daily bread". DAILY! Meaning by day!

Ho ho ho.

My goal for this year is to simply live life to the fullest.

I feel like just in the past month, I've learned a lot and my eyes have been open to so much. I've met so many people this past year through unorthodox circumstances and have realized so many things. Life is too short to waste on caring what other people think about me, or even being miserable by myself. Life is just long enough to show people how much love and care one has to offer, and to feel as much joy as possible.

Last night, I went to my BFF's place. He's really awesome and I feel like he really lives life to the fullest. He's so chill and doesn't take life too seriously; that's the type of person I want to be. I want to be able to have fun and not get caught up in drama. I want to be able to just let things flow and care about the things that really matter in life. I've discovered in the past year that bitter and resentment are such a waste of time and energy, and that nothing good comes out of it.

There was another person I met this week whom I admired almost instantly. He told me, "There are a lot of things I like and everything I like, I'm equally passionate about." He told me that there was just too much to do and that he didn't think he would be able to finish everything he wanted to do in his lifetime. I love that mindset! The other day, I told Megan that there are a lot of things I should be, but will never be. But after meeting that guy, I realized that it's not true; I can be ANYTHING and even if I never reach a totally satisfactory goal, at least I'll die trying. And that's what matters. Why do we need an end goal in this world? Why are we so trapped up in the idea that if something seems unachievable, then it's not worth pursuing? Another thing he said to me was that as long as we do what we're passionate about, then everything falls into place. He said, "Never let money drive you to do anything, because as it turns out, if you follow your passions, the money just seems to come in anyway."

In conclusion, 2010 will be a year of passion and inspiration. Because I want to be passionate, and I want to be inspired. I've always felt like I needed something to click inside of me, that to have passion and inspiration were easy things. But it seems it's not so for me, so I need to chase after these things. I've never believed in love, but I want to love and I want to be loved. I want to be free and I want to be responsible and I want to work hard. I don't want to be lazy and bedridden. I want to be neat. I want to be healthy. I want to know how to make the perfect cup of tea. I want to meet more people from everywhere, because another awesome person I happened to meet by chance this year told me that it's all about the people. And looking back, I've realized that it really is all about the people. Not about what they think, but the effect they have on your life.

This year will be the year to be free. Bring it on.